What Are the Effects of Having a BiPolar Mom
Posted over a year ago
My sister is bipolar & generally stays on her meds, although she loves the manic side, so does a bit of tweaking w/ her meds. She has 3 adult children & has remained married to their father for 30 yrs. She is loving to her children, although I think she ... more »
My sister is bipolar & generally stays on her meds, although she loves the manic side, so does a bit of tweaking w/ her meds. She has 3 adult children & has remained married to their father for 30 yrs. She is loving to her children, although I think she didn't have the ability to set very good boundaries. For ex:, she allowed teenagers to stay after midnight & drink alcohol in her home because "she thought it was rude to tell them they had to leave". Our mother lived nearby & tried to give the grandkids stability. I am worried about her middle daughter (the other 2 children are boys), Jill. Jill has been doted upon & given everything; I think her mother, Annie, felt guilty about being bipolar & indulged Jill as a result). Jill is 25 and despite her college degree & good grades, works as a waitress. She just left a 3 yr relationship with a man who is agorophobic, who she thought she could "help". Now she is living at home and is dating 3 different young men, with no goals for the future. She is very angry w/ her mother & quite mean to her. At family gatherings she often make a "scene" with her mother (which is very disturbing). Everyone else seems to like her: teachers, employers, friends, etc. I have a lot of difficulty w/ her, but am trying to understand why she is so hateful to her mother, so self absorbed and disruptive at family events. Any insight? How can I help her, or should I just stay out of it?
Mytwocents - It is my opinion that you should always do what you feel in your heart is right, especially if it is your own family. Yes, sometimes we have to bite our tongues, however, don't we have a responsibility to our family? Isn't that why God placed us there? You are right to be concerned, your niece needs someone who cares for her enough not to sit by and watch the destructive behavior taking place in the family. The other option is to sit by and watch the scene unfold, get through it until time to leave and then go on about their lives. What a shame! While you cannot solve their problems, do what God puts on your heart to gently help either one of them see the truth in their situation. What they choose to do with it is their decision, but let them know you are there should they want to discuss further or need someone to confide in. Also sounds as though the young woman could benefit from counseling. I went through a similar situation growing up and felt the support of a counselor was helpful. For your own peace of mind, always tell them the truth about themselves or you may become overwhelmed with your own feelings and trying to hold it all in (which is never healthy). I applaud your sincere concern for your family. Good luck to you.
Angelal_78 - my advice,( because my mother is bi-polar and has been ever since I was born) you should intervien when you can and if you can. I am still angry with my mother, although now she is on meds, and I am an adult I have the option of not being around her. But at the time when I was young and lived in her home, she was often abusive, physically and emotionally, and I had no one to talk to or a place to escape. I didn't know what was going on with her, or why, I only knew when she got mad, she got violent, and did strange things that I would never think of doing to my kids, such as interfering in all my relationships, going through my things, listening to my calls, stealing and reading my unopened mail, telling me I had to walk to work in the rain or snow because my room was not clean, and slapping me when she thought I was lying about being sick, and lies to my children about me. As you can guess, I am still somewhat bitter over my memories I have, and I guess I can't get over it, because she still will not recognize her behavior in the past, and has damaged our relationship to the point of no return. She chooses to take her med's when she 'feels like it" and still treats me as a stranger but yet will tell everyone she has no idea why we are not close. I just have a hard time understanding why a mother would not only take responsibility of her past mistakes, but also chooses to still not want to make it right, with her, and with us.
So, yes. I think that family SHOULD get involved. Thanks for listening.
Anonymous - As a woman who also has a mother who was bi-polar since I was born, (I am now 41 and am her primary caregiver), you have to remember that she is sick. She does not understand why or what she does, and is certainly unable to take responsibility for her past actions. I have come to understand that this is a horrible disease-one of the worst that a person and their loved ones must deal with. It is so awful because the person's behavior is so erratic and unpredictable. Yet, the person can pass as almost normal to others. And it never goes away.
So I would not be so quick to judge the relative of a bi-polar person just by observing an incident or two. Nor would I judge or blame the sick person themself. There is a lot that takes place that others do not see. The bipolar person has a way of honing in on their loved ones sore spots-knows how to press their buttons. And often the other person feeds into the illness because they have no other way of dealing with it.
No matter. One thing for sure, the person does not want to be sick. They would never choose to have such an awful disease. Likewise, the family is entitled to feel anger about the person's behavior. Until there is understanding, the emotions have to go somewhere. The inevitable anger and resentment has to be dealt with and overcome by the family. I got over the resentment a few years ago, and most of the anger, too. I never let her steal my joy even when I am with her and she is having an episode. I try to never let her stop me from doing what I need to accomplish, or use her as an excuse for my own problems or issues, failures or missed opportunities.
It has taken me over 40 years to finally come to an understanding about bipolar disorder. I realize that my mother is entitled to her emotions and opinions and negative views and irrational complaints, even if they are wrong, in my opinion, just as I am entitled to mine. I do not have to constantly correct her or be the speaker of truth as I always thought I had to be in the face of her irrational views of reality. I didn't always have to be right or always tell her what was best for her-how she was doing things wrong. By me constantly telling her she was wrong or blaming her when she got into situations because of her own instigative actions, I denied her very right to live her life the only way she knew how. By allowing her this has helped things tremendously. We get along much better and she has come to take more responsibility for herself on her own. She has fewer episodes and they defuse more quickly.
Bipolar is a cognitive disease. It is a disease of the brain, a disease of the thought processes. Never forget that if you have a loved one with the disease. I strongly urge you to seek help and/or counseling. It is nearly impossible to cope with this by your own strength. For me, counseling only took me so far. I turned to God for my strength and answers and that has helped me the most. All the best. You will be blessed. Peace!
Mcushman1 - Iam a bipolar mom and just last year started loading up on meds and I got along with my mom.Though I can say her being the way she is,people don't usualy listen to other people unless their real open.Even counseling you have to want.I still don't want that but that one person was right when your close to someone you know what makes them hurt and I myself have done what she does.Only its been to people I date.Its not like you plan on it but once you start you just did deeper till you totaly break them.I think meds. would help but its only if shes open to the behaivor she's doing.
Anonymous - panic attacks and high anxiety are probably symptoms that a person is dealing with a high stress situation and has no outlet for their emotions. they haven't found the best way to cope with the situation yet. it takes a lot of learning and seeking and reflecting to find any answers. with answers comes peace.
Anonymous - meds work whether the person is open or not. it is strictly chemical.
you just have to find the right meds for the person. and ones with the least side effects considering other conditions the person may have.
Angelal_78 - I guess I should of mentioned that she comes across as wanting a relationship with me, her daughter, but in reality, when there is no one around, she pretty much ignores me and has nothing to say to me. Even when I try to engage her in converstion, she looks bored and sighs. Her way of saying she is not interested in talking to me. I am over trying to bond with her, it's her sickness and I have my own family now. She seems happy with the company she keeps, her friends she has now, and her husband. There is no rule that say's you have to like your family and I don't care what others say if you have anything to say about this...I am just stating my POV and I guess every depression is different just like every mother/daughter relationship.
Bobhatesyou - Let see, the effects as I have experienced them directly for 26 years..
- total neglect, most of the time
- no capacity to parent in a level headed way
- persistent lies & confabulation
- absolute selfishness
- OCD hoarding, ADD, time & money mis-management
That is my ex-wife. She obtained a separation with a false DV charge to try to stop me (Dad) from pursuing proper medical diagnostics for our son's ADHD. Turns out the entire maternal family is in denial. The effect: delaying our child's treatment for a year, destroying a 17 year marriage, destroying my daughter's high school years & chances for university.
She has custody but leaves the kids with her mother who was institutionalized for month's per her own maternal drama / nightmare story. I assume their intent is to cause a 3rd iteration harming my children's own chances of proper relationships.
Factually speaking when you look up the studies & psychiatric texts.. the effects of a bipolar mother are all negative. That is my greatest & only regret for the nightmare she has brought. She is teaching our children exactly how to fail. I hate bipolar people, not the neurological condition (it is not a disease). Bipolar people are toxic to everyone who has more than trite interactions with them.
That is what my experience has been, that is what 90% of the cases are recorded as being. Those are the facts. It is offensive for these women to ignore that reality simply to feel better about themselves.
Bpfamily - Your sister with bipolar has stayed married to her husband for 30 years and manged to raise 3 kids. I think you owe her a little more respect than is coming out in your post. That is a huge! accomplishment. The fact that you didn't like her parenting style may have nothing to do with her BP but just be the normal difference in families regarding the raising of children. One "example" presented purely from your perspective doesn't give anyone any real information about what kind of a parent she was.
I see a couple of possibilities in your description of the daughter. She could be in the beginning of the disease herself. That is a very common age at which to begin manifesting symptoms. After living independently she and her mother are finding it tense with her back in the family home. Her attitude toward you I suspect comes from picking up on the judgements you are making about her and her mother. If this girl is thought well of by teachers, employers etc. she sounds like she's functioing pretty well. Please remember, these are complicated situations and people outside of the immediate family are often quite ignorant as to what the dynamics truly are. I got well and truly tired of my control freak sister and brother passing judgement on my family. All our children are grown now and my children are flourishing. Would it be catty to say often better than theirs? Yes I suppose so, but this forum is for venting.
If you want to help your sister, listen more than you talk, ask her what she would find helpful and keep your opinions about her relationship with her daughter to yourself.
Bpfamily - If you think there is something disturbing about a 25 year old girl who has just come out of a difficult relationship, to be dating 3 different boys I would definitely have to say you're letting your cultural values get in the way of good judgement.
Bobhatesyou - Bobhatesyou reiterates the collective facts.
- 90% of marriages to BP individuals FAIL
- Many if not the majority of BP individuals have harmful effect on everyone around them (there ARE psychiatric text books & support websites for un NONs).
Those are the facts. The BP momsters are doing enough lying for themselves, the rest of us are under no requirement to put up with their perpetual BS.
The BEST course of action would be divorce & taking full custody of the children of the marriage by the NONs.
Bpfamily - Bob- I hope that you are able to get the support and help that you so obviously need, both for yourself and for your children. I would be as concerned about the effect of your rage on them, as I would be of their mother's bipolar. I wish good luck and some peace.
Danielle123456789 - My mother is bipolar, only she wont admit it. She has ruined her relationship with all her 4 kids and got divorced. People suffering with bipolar aren't rational human beings. You can never understand what their next step is. My advice is to stay away from bipolar individuals because it will emotionally harm you. Growing up while being abused from my mother is something that will always be with me because it was my past. It has taken me years to forgive her and another few years to forgive myself for letting her scream, curse, and emotionally drain me. Unfortunately, I had to live through her Bipolar episodes because she was my mother and my guardian. Presently, as an adult I understand that she has a sickness and will never treat my beautiful kids the same.
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